Dr Mosi's Kraal

The Phiri Deception III

2010-05-15T15:52:00.001Z

Read Part I here.
Read Part II here.

...and for those too bored to read Parts I and II, here's a short summary:

A high-tech spy / assassin type movie is being shot in Zambia. The plot is that the government is using an assassin called Tembo to kill one of their former agents, M. Phiri. Phiri has been spotted at Milky Lane in Manda Hill and Tembo rushes there to locate him. Tembo misses him by minutes. Phiri is already on Great East Road in a borrowed car.

"Ona itaya kaya itaya kaya itaya... ati sure itaya kaya itaya kaya itaya," The phone rings loudly. "How old is that song?" Phiri thinks to himself, "and why do I still have it as my ringtone?", as he picks it up:
"Malcolm here."
"Malcolm, the time has come. Instructions will be sent to you by SMS." Click... "beeeeeeeep..."
"Errr..."
"beep-beep-beep beep beep beep. "
Crossroads shopping centre. 30 minutes.

"Ah well, better get to the bottom of this." After swerving wildly to avoid several stopped, and half-in, half-out of the road minibuses, as well as a few wannabe suiciders, Phiri reached the Bwinjimfumu intersection. He took a left and wound his way past the Post newspaper office. He stopped at the 4-way stop on Parirenyatwa. As usual, there was always one fool who got through out-of-turn by almost kissing the car in front. Phiri turned left, past a guy who made his living selling rabbits on the street, braked suddenly to avoid bicyclists who wanted to cross the road, and managed to get to the Fedex roundabout without incident. The temperature monitor showed 36, but it only felt like 32. "Wonder who calibrates that temperature meter," he thought.

Phiri proceeded to Leopards Hill Road via Longacres. At the intersection of Lake Road and Leopards Hill he took a left and pulled into Crossroads shopping centre. The familiar shouts of minibus conducters filled the air, "M'tendere ! M'tendere !" Phiri parked his car, checked to make sure the alarm was on, and walked to Buzz Cafe. He didn't know who he was supposed to meet, but figured they would find him. "Maybe I should have worn a rose in my buttonhole," he thought. He ordered a Mosi while waiting. It had been a long time since he participated in these shadow games, and he wondered what his former employers wanted from a civilian.

"Afternoon, mind if I sit here?" A thin man with grey hair and dark glasses asked. Phiri said, "Yes." Apparently it was a rhetorical question and the man proceeded to sit. He proffered a copy of the Times of Zambia. "Have you read the politics page today? It's a scandal." Since the only scandals in politics lately had been about polygamy and what the current heads said about their rivals, Phiri didn't think it would be very interesting. He opened to page 4 and found a photo, under which a number had been scrawled:
5000000
The thin man said, "The US dollar has been gaining against the Kwacha lately. I wish they would pay me in dollars." Phiri said, "But this is..." "The man interrupted, "Yes, or No." Phiri said, "Yes." The man said, "good." You will find a suitcase in your car. It contains all you need. It must be done within 48 hours. Goodbye.

Malcolm thought about it, "This cannot be the government. It would be too embarassing for them if it happened while he visits here. I wonder who wants this." He folded the paper and left it on the table for the next person. He asked for the bill, paid, and walked to his car. He got in, and turned on the radio. It chirped, "This is Radio 4. The main headlines. President Nyirenda today said that the visit of President Mugabe from Zimbabwe would open the doors to prosperity for both nations. President Mugabe is here on a state visit for two days. He is expected to announce free trade and a fast clearance process at the borders."

...to be continued...

The Phiri Deception II

2009-08-18T19:48:00.001Z

Click here for the story so far....

...or enjoy the abstract... errr i mean summary...

A high-tech spy / assassin type movie is being shot in Zambia. The plot is that the government is using an assassin called Tembo to kill one of their former agents, M. Phiri. Phiri has been spotted at Milky Lane in Manda Hill and Tembo rushes there to locate him...

Malcolm Phiri gets his regular vanilla cone with chocolate dip. As always the chocolate doesn't cool fast enough and drips on his hand. He licks it off, chocolate is chocolate, doesn't matter where you get it from. He walks out and proceeds to the Game store. Seeing the Barclays ATM reminds him that he only has 40 pin on him. Petrol for two days will leave no change from that. So he stands in the queue and gets to the ATM. Puts his card in and wonders if he'll ever see it again... The ATM informs him politely that there are no advice slips available. Hopefully there's some cash available. Luckily a mix of newly minted 50- and 20,000 bills come out of the machine... and the card pops out too. Malcolm wonders why it always feels like winning the slots in Vegas when this process goes well.

In the meantime Tembo rushes up the stairs by O'Hagens. The smell of fresh shepherd's pie brings him back to the days when he was dined by benefactors. And then those happy memories are obliterated as he runs into a cloud of smoke. The usual 'young gun' crowd is hanging out by the stairs, puffing on their cancer sticks. Coughing, Tembo makes it through the smoke and gets obstructed by the tables that line the stores. The crowds at this time... and it looks like - in addition to every flavour of food - every flavour of human in Lusaka is at Manda Hill. Pushing through the crowd, Tembo makes it to the outside of Milky Lane. Phiri could be anywhere. Using all of his police skills, Tembo spots a free chair amid the melee and sits in it. All these people... rushing past... they don't know that the future of the country depends on Phiri being eliminated.

Phiri walks to his friend's car that he's borrowing for some time. Phiri's own car was hit from behind and is doing the requisite time at a body shop just opposite Arrackan Barracks on Burma Road. The place looked shady, but that was all the 'accidenter' could afford. It was either this shop or drive around with a big dent in the car and let the other guy go to jail for a couple of hours until he bribed himself out, or pulled some strings. At least the perpetrator had offered to wait around while they fixed the car. Apparently he'd left his car unattended at the shop before and... well... it wound up missing a few mirrors and the odd alternator or so when he got back. The garage fixes things but they don't do security.

Malcolm gets into the borrowed car and starts to reverse, braking centimetres from a car that was about to hit him. He uses the 'minibus' technique to join the stream of cars passing by, inching a little more and more until the cars coming have to swerve. Bastards still won't stop. Eventually he moves just enough to where the silver Land Cruiser bearing down on him feared rolling over when it swerved and stopped. Success! Phiri sets off on the long wait to the Manda Hill gates. Why don't these guys build a couple more entries and exits from this place ? Oh yeah... they didn't get planning permission. Probably didn't fill the forms out in triplicate at the City Council, or made someone angry. After a lifetime of moving forward, he finally gets to the lights. A lady stands by his car asking for money... he refuses and she moves on. A youngster tries the same... for mealie meal, he says. The smell of glue wafts over Phiri. This young man could be working instead of begging, there are so many jobs now with the minibuses but this glue sniffing addiction has made him lose all his self-respect. The light changes, finally, and Phiri turns on to Great East Road going towards Addis Ababa, the road, not the city. "When will our people stop having to beg?" he thinks. Maybe it's a national illness... this culture of aid. Maybe Dambisa Moyo makes a lot of sense. It took Rozalla to remind us that everybody's free to feel good... and it takes a Moyo to come along and tell us the freedom is not free.

To be continued...

Click here for Part I of the Phiri Deception....

The Phiri Deception

2008-09-28T20:11:00.008Z

I can just imagine if some kinda hi-tech assasin / spy movie was to be shot in Zambia. It would go something like this:

The government have set up an agency of trained killers. The killers are supposed to get their info by mobile phone. Now, the agency wants to kill one of their former officers M Phiri. Phiri has been spotted by an agency operative who is cleverly disguised as a street kid. The operative pulls out his mobile phone and takes a photo of Phiri. Now he sends it via MMS to Tembo... or at least tries to. Telecel, Celtel, Zain, or whatever that phone company is called today pops up with a message saying that's not possible. So our intrepid street kid uploads the photo to flickr by going on the internet and SMS's Tembo the URL. This is the signal for Tembo to track down and kill Phiri. Tembo is on the MTN network. He tries to get to the URL. MTN says, "connection error." Tembo cancels, tries again. His phone asks him for permission to go on the internet. He allows it. MTN doesn't... internet busy. Tembo SMS's the street kid for a location. He'll get the photo on the go when MTN comes back up again.

Tembo gets the message. Phiri was spotted outside Manda Hill. He runs to his trusty Toyota Corolla and starts it up. The car doesn't start. No fuel. Since petrol prices had shot up to K9500 per litre (about 3 dollars) the department used up its quota in the first two weeks. Tembo curses and jumps out. He flags down a blue minibus. Sensing his desperation, the conductor charges him 15 pin to go the two kilometres to the Manda Hill stop. On the way the MTN finally works and Tembo gets to the flickr photo page. The photo starts loading. Tembo sees a bold head... and then the phone gets stuck. MTN disconnected. So Tembo starts his Opera mini again... this time he sees Phiri's photo.

The bus hits the normal congestion at the Zain intersection just before Manda Hill. A million people want to turn into that place and there's only one lane, so it takes about half an hour. The bus finally drops Tembo off at Manda Hill. He quickly turns his head and scans for Phiri. Phiri is nowhere to be seen. So Tembo calls the street kid. Trial one: All circuits are busy... please try your call later. Trial two: engaged. Trial three: the phone rings. Street kid says he saw Phiri go into Milky Lane. Tembo races across the street amidst the normal cacophony of horns blaring and brakes squealing.

...to be continued...