Dr Mosi's Kraal

Driving Lusaka

2009-01-28T07:34:00.000Z

My favourite topic... driving in Lusaka... fraught with hazards, it's truly punctuated equilibrium in action... only the fittest survive to drive another day. It does keep you glued to the seat with both hands on the wheel at the 10 and 2 o'clock positions... just like the driving instructor said. There are multiple dangers and it is definitely not for people without quick reflexes. In fact, I'm about to market Lusaka driving as alternative training for table tennis and badminton players to improve their reflexes. There are multiple dangers on the road that anyone thinking of driving here has to be aware of, from the potholes to random people jumping in front of the car. I'll begin with the pothole.

Aaah the pothole, it's been a favoured sqatter on Lusaka roads since time immemorial. It was so ubiquitous that people avoided the roads entirely and drove on the sidewalks. It was such an example of the failure of government that the opposition used it in advertisements prior to elections. After the opposition won, they continued to leave the potholes in place just to remind the people how bad things were in the previous regime. And the opposition has won every election since, so I figure they have no reason, really, to fix potholes.

Minibuses... known affectionately as 'matatus' in Kenya and the harbingers of death in Lusaka. These contraptions, sometimes held together just by cello tape and faith, carry commuters throughout the city. They often have slogans on the back, such as "My lord does not sleep," "Jesus saves" and such-like. I used to wonder why they were so religious, but no longer. They really want your last memories in life to be those of God as you plough into the back when they make one of their sudden stops to pick up some passenger. The aforesaid passengers of course are too lazy to walk to the nearest bus stop which may be just about 400 metres away. (It may be noted that the world record for 400 meter sprint is 43.18 seconds, held by Michael Johnson of the United States). Of course if you don't smash into the backs of these buses, you may hit their nose. A strategy that works for the minibuses to re-enter the road after an unscheduled stop is to slowly work their noses onto the road as each car whizzes by. There comes a time when enough of the front of the bus is on the road that the next car driving by will stop to let the bus back in. It's also possible that the religious slogans are on because the bus drivers are saving the world. They do drive like they have to get to the other end of the city in the next 2 minutes to avoid major catastrophe. Picture this, a long line of automobiles waiting on the road for a light to change to green. We're sitting there, inside the automobiles, cursing the lights and the authorities who refused to make an extra lane to cater for the traffic. We're still patiently waiting even though we're late for an appointment at the Brown Frog or at Rhapsody's. Almost every single time, one looks to the side and sees one or more of these blue buses, the saviours of mankind, rushing ahead on the sidewalk. "So, are we stupid, waiting in line," pointedly asks my wife. I don't think she's convinced by my arguement that the drivers have to be somewhere in the next couple of minutes, or somebody will die. The other drivers all know this too, as they let the buses in at the head of the line... well, maybe it's just the nose-into-road technique. In short, if the traffic police got serious about having minibus drivers pay fines for violations, the entire Zambian budget could be balanced in about a year.

Pedestrians and cyclists - Automobile traffic in Lusaka seems to have increased every time I get the mini-minivan out (it's a Toyota Raum - yeah, I didn't know they existed until I got here either). This means that if you want to turn then you have a couple of seconds where there's enough time to jump on the road. Invariably, that's the time when pedestrians and cyclists will choose to cross the road right in front of you. They won't go around you so that you can turn, they will cross in front of you right as you want to move forward. It's common to see cyclists cycling against the flow of traffic. One would think if they cycled with the traffic, at least if they got hit, they would just accelerate forward. If they get hit head on, they'd just fly off the bike and crash into the car. Pedestrians at night... man... those are deadly. They wear non-reflective clothes and jump onto the road giving you just enough time to stand on the brakes or risk ploughing into them. And they won't even cross the road straight across... normally they do it in a diagonal fashion so they spend more time on the road than necessary. Are they asking for death? Who knows... I hope I'll never be the one to grant them their wish.

SUV's and other tall cars. Almost every government vehicle seems to be some sort of SUV. Pajeros, Land Cruisers rule the roost here. Most of the time, these guys will come stand right next to you so that you can't see the oncoming traffic. Now if you want to turn, you have to wait for both lanes to clear or risk being a pappadum on the road... usually if the SUV moves then you are safe to move as well. This is mainly a problem when you have to turn left... the right side is obscured by the big car and they wait for both sides of the road to clear before they can turn. The cost of 3 of those cars can pay for a 96-capillary sequencer.... which I could desparately use right now. Of course with SUVs the potholes are just gentle dips in the road... so why fix them?

I have found some Lusaka drivers to be extraordinarily well-mannered. They stop and let you through if you've been waiting for a while, they tell you to overtake them if you want to go faster, and flash their lights if you're driving with your lights on. They also flash their lights if they want to let you go through, and if they want you to stop, which gets confusing, but you get good at reading the context. I still have to figure out what some fool was doing last night flashing his or her lights behind me... the road was empty, my lights were working, and this person didn't want to overtake when I slowed down and moved into the other lane. Maybe someday the reasonw will come to me.

It just came to me, no wonder Satwant Singh "the flying Sikh" was All Africa rally champion eight times... he trained on Lusaka roads.

How to be Punjabi... according to hindi films

2008-11-12T12:08:00.005Z

Hindi film directors love portraying Punjabi families... probably for the same reasons as Malayalam film directors love having Tamilian characters. There's a top secret manual circulated only among hindi film directors as to how to turn your average hindi-speaking family into a Punjabi speaking one. I have found a copy of this and wanted to share it with the public at large.

1. Call anyone younger than you "puttar." (Note from Ramanand Sagar: To depict a Sanskrit speaking family, this can be changed to "Putra".)

2. Increase the volume when a turbaned, bearded uncle is speaking. Have said uncle raise his arms up as if to hug the whole world.

3. Have a kid yell "unkkal-jeee" as uncle is shouting to him.

4. Have an aunty make as if to grab the ears off the heroine and say something like "kinnee sohni kudi hai." The important thing is the word 'sohni'.

5. There must be an aunty who flirts with the hero. When he coos back to her she blushes and turns her head, saying something like "haaaai, mainu maar jaavaan..." or something of the sort.

6. One wideangle shot taking in a huge field of wheat... yellow everywhere with blue skies... lots of saturated colours.

7. All hindi has to be Punjabi accented. "Oye... tooney mainu kudi ko kahaan bhagaayaa?"

8. Adding "Oye" to the beginning of any sentence makes it Punjabi.

9. One shot of uncle waxing eloquent about the good old days in 'Pindi or Lahore.

10. To distract from heroes who are choreographically challenged, have them shout "Ho" and "Balle Balle."

11. Bonus: How come Salman Khan is always present in these kinds of movies?

Update from my wife:

Some Hindi movies play host to the following character too..
World hugging uncle who stiffly breaks out into song and dance routine to the shock of family members...
Old ,on-her-deathbed 'Maaa' who always has logical solutions to the most mundane problems.and of course the best 'achaar'recipes.
Pesky 'chutki' sister who insists on being lifted up at all inopportune moments..read when the hero is about to declare his undying love going down on scraped knee!

Mosi and family at the garbas

2008-10-06T20:07:00.003Z

My much better half, my sister and I decided to partake of the spirit of Navratri and went to the garbas over the weekend. For those who need an introduction, it's a Hindu festival. The basic point of it is to dance... going clockwise and then counter-clockwise in concentric circles (or as complete a circle as possible). That part is fun... but we were really there to see which girls showed up... wait... I'm married, I can't do that any more... at least not without losing a few limbs... so we were really there to dance the dandiya. This starts after the garba and involves grabbing a couple of sticks, getting together with a few people and hitting their sticks. Usually in Lusaka it's a 4-beat.. 1-&-2-&-3-&4. The dancers all line up and each person faces somebody. On 1 they hit the stick in the right hand with the opposite person's right hand stick. The off-beat gives them the opportunity to try something fancy like twirling the stick... and then on 2 it's the stick in the other hand that gets the beating... then step back... 3- hit your sticks together... 4 - hit your partner's stick - normally here I try to hit with both sticks. Then move to your left, skip a person... 1- hit the stick. When you get to the end of the line... the off-beat after the 4 involves a 360 degree turn and 1- hit stick.

So hopefully that was crystal clear. There's not much variation in the steps out here but the tempo keeps getting faster and faster... eventually people drop out. Since we were there for some time, I had the chance to observe the various people I partnered with. So here's a list of people you might run into during a dandiya...

1. Why am I here?
These people have an expression on their face that suggests they would rather watch paint dry. And yet... you see them on the dance floor for hours. What gives? Looks like the wires that connect emotions to the face got switched. The ones for boredom and having lots of fun, especially. I didn't know I could find research subjects at a cool religious dance.

2. Sorry... did I hit your stick?
These wonders give you a shy smile when they partner with you... and hit your sticks as if they shouldn't even touch. When they do touch these people give you an apologetic smile and move on to the next apology. Maybe these people all have a good idea of their strength... or they were hit a little too much by #7 - man on a mission.

3. Monkey
These descendents of Hanuman jump around all the time with a big smile on their face. You almost think they're about to steal the sticks from your hand... but it doesn't happen. At least they're better than the super-bored... and they could be handy if you ever need to build a land bridge to Sri Lanka.

4. Man on a mission
These people fix you with an unblinking stare. They mean business. They have bet their friends that their sticks will be the first to break and they smash them into yours like there is no tomorrow. The wife tells me the best way to avoid such is to never make contact with their sticks. After all, you're not winning any money if your stick breaks. The most that will happen is you'll get some sympathy when the splinters enter your hands or feet.

5. Last hurrah
The garbas only come once a year and these people are out there to make the most of it. Leaping back, twirling their sticks in the air, turning full 360s at every off-beat... and keeping it up till the band stops playing. They play like it's the last time they'll ever do it and keep the party going.

6. Who's that other person over there?
These people are always looking around to see who is there, what they're wearing, who they're with... they tend to forget that other people are swinging wooden sticks and their bodies (sometimes ample) around. It's a recipe for bloody fingers and / or noses. These people have amazing tolerance for pain... and continue to look everywhere else but at their partner. Wonder where they got their torture-survival training. Our troops could use some of that.

7. I got my drink and my two-step
OK... I cannot say this enough. It's a 4 step, not a 2 step. I don't care if you're rocking back and drinking, you better be there with your stick on the 4 to hit mine. If you don't know... and can't think on your feet... observe, watch, before you jump in. Do not drink and dandiya, otherwise someone will be tempted to hit you on the head.

8. Not these people... not these either... no not those...
Some people are so scared of commitment that they won't even commit to a dandiya group. They keep moving between groups... and sometimes take other people with them.

Well, we had a great time this year. Kudos to the organisers and Lalji and his musician colleagues. Wish they could play all the time... now... what's for diwali?

The Phiri Deception

2008-09-28T20:11:00.008Z

I can just imagine if some kinda hi-tech assasin / spy movie was to be shot in Zambia. It would go something like this:

The government have set up an agency of trained killers. The killers are supposed to get their info by mobile phone. Now, the agency wants to kill one of their former officers M Phiri. Phiri has been spotted by an agency operative who is cleverly disguised as a street kid. The operative pulls out his mobile phone and takes a photo of Phiri. Now he sends it via MMS to Tembo... or at least tries to. Telecel, Celtel, Zain, or whatever that phone company is called today pops up with a message saying that's not possible. So our intrepid street kid uploads the photo to flickr by going on the internet and SMS's Tembo the URL. This is the signal for Tembo to track down and kill Phiri. Tembo is on the MTN network. He tries to get to the URL. MTN says, "connection error." Tembo cancels, tries again. His phone asks him for permission to go on the internet. He allows it. MTN doesn't... internet busy. Tembo SMS's the street kid for a location. He'll get the photo on the go when MTN comes back up again.

Tembo gets the message. Phiri was spotted outside Manda Hill. He runs to his trusty Toyota Corolla and starts it up. The car doesn't start. No fuel. Since petrol prices had shot up to K9500 per litre (about 3 dollars) the department used up its quota in the first two weeks. Tembo curses and jumps out. He flags down a blue minibus. Sensing his desperation, the conductor charges him 15 pin to go the two kilometres to the Manda Hill stop. On the way the MTN finally works and Tembo gets to the flickr photo page. The photo starts loading. Tembo sees a bold head... and then the phone gets stuck. MTN disconnected. So Tembo starts his Opera mini again... this time he sees Phiri's photo.

The bus hits the normal congestion at the Zain intersection just before Manda Hill. A million people want to turn into that place and there's only one lane, so it takes about half an hour. The bus finally drops Tembo off at Manda Hill. He quickly turns his head and scans for Phiri. Phiri is nowhere to be seen. So Tembo calls the street kid. Trial one: All circuits are busy... please try your call later. Trial two: engaged. Trial three: the phone rings. Street kid says he saw Phiri go into Milky Lane. Tembo races across the street amidst the normal cacophony of horns blaring and brakes squealing.

...to be continued...

To the mujahideen from the government of India,

2008-09-20T08:01:00.008Z

Dear mujahideen,

As you may be aware, the Government of India has declared the years from 1990-2020 "Visit India." During this time we will do all in our power to help you succeed in your aims to eat your 72 raisins post-mortem. We have a lovely, big, open country where you can hide out in peace. We also have lots of local fanboys and girls who will provide you with all asisstance necessary in achieving your objectives. Room to stay, great places to shop at etc. We also have people who will sell you any sort of weaponry that you deem necessary. No need to bring in Chinese maal from Pakistan or Bangladesh, you can find it direct from China here. There are a lot of advantages to buying it in India. You will help in keeping the local gun/explosives runners in business. The mujahideen who are to come after you will also find a local source in case something happens to their arms cache.

We can offer lots of crowded marketplaces and hospitals for you to set bombs at. Not to mention, everyone here is fairly religious so they go to temples, churches, mosques etc. Those might also be good areas to strike. If you are lucky the victims' families will start blaming the people from other religions and start mini-civil wars. We also hope for this because it gives our upcoming party members a chance to show how they can protect their communities from the others, gain votes, get into power, and steal taxpayers money.

Don't be frightened when we publicly announce that 'befitting reply' will be given. This doesn't mean that your homes will be bombed and your cities annihilated and your chiefs arrested or tortured. This just means that we will have lots of chai and samosas with your bosses. Then we'll announce some sort of bilateral antiterrorism drive. We'll share data and such so that you guys know exactly what we're going to do next. We'll also pick up some people here or encounter them so that our public is happy.

We forgot to mention that with your acts of terrorism you will be doing a huge public good. Our people have not yet realised that there are too many of them. Our population control messages haven't quite worked very well. So the occasional bombing helps ease some of the pressure. Everyone forgets about the dead after 2 days and we'll be back in business. I think our rating in the world will improve if our population goes down. Otherwise that Bush of America is always accusing us of stealing all his petrol, that's why he has to raise prices over there. We have heard that before the elections petrol prices go down mysteriously over there. But that's not the subject of this letter.

I forgot to mention one more thing, the only place that you are not allowed to attack is parliament. You see, we want to be able to sleep at work without listening to loud explosions and firecracker-like noises. It's not good for our blood pressure. So if you try to attack parliament directly we will send some of our armed forces your way. Everything else you are welcome to.

So... namaste, welcome to India.

Yours invitingly,

K Nath,
Head Chaprasi,
Ministry of Useless Letters,
Sansad Marg
New Delhi

maal - originally, loot but means goods in this case

encounter - when the police shoot criminals instead of arresting them. Usually because the criminals are shooting back, sometimes because they're as much a danger inside jails as outside.

All I needed to know I learnt from the Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy...

2008-08-27T17:23:00.005Z

10. Humans are not as important as we think we are.
The universe is staggeringly, mindblowingly huge. From the universe's perspective, we are a microscopic dot on a microscopic dot. Earth, and all of humanity could be destroyed to make way for a hyperspace bypass and nobody on any other planet would ever notice.

9. There's no point in living forever.
What would you do? All your friends would be dead or you would have fought with them. You would be so bored that all you could do was insult every single living thing in the universe, alphabetically by name. And watch that point in Love, actually where Keira Knightley first shows up as a bride for the 18 billionth time.

8. Being a God may not be much fun (unless other people find out).
Look at the rain God... it was always raining wherever he was. Then he got paid a lot to stay away from places. He's still lonely.

7. Digital watches are still a pretty neat idea.
The little things.... the wheel, the mirror... man those things are just works of genius.

6. It's sometimes a good thing to have a few drinks.
You never know when you're about to find out that the world is about to end and your best friend is an alien from somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.

5. Some things are pure evil, even if they write poetry.
The Vogons, for instance, wrote horrible poetry... not because deep down inside they're sentimental, but just because they liked to torture others with it. E V I L Full Stop.

4. Animals are probably more intelligent than humans.
Think about it... why would an intelligent being want to have all the problems of ruling the world? It's much better to influence those who rule by changing their perceptions of reality and making them do what you want. So that you can have time to hang around in the pool and get free food. Wait... grad students might actually be more intelligent than the general population.

3. The messiah ain't a-comin'.
And if she is, she's gonna reach right before the world ends. So be happy right now, the switch for happiness is in your brain, not in the PS3 or XBOX360 (those do help for a little while though).

2. The answer to the secret of life, the universe, and everything is 42.
The problem is, nobody knows the question. If they did, then the whole universe would fall apart and be replaced by something even more mind-boggling.

1. No robot can make good tea the way mamma (or the guy in the train - for those who've been on Indian railways) made it.
You can have the smartest computer in the world... but that thing cannot make tea properly, even if you sit all night explaining all about picking the best leaves out of Assam.

(I just realised that people might have no clue what I'm talking about. I just realised there might be people who've never read Douglas Adams' The hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy series. D-oh. Please to read it, thaank you very much.) It's a great book, and this post probably only makes sense to H2G2 fans.

Birthday 2008

2008-08-24T07:11:00.003Z

There's a tradition on this blog that every year on my birthday I post a silly picture of myself to remind people that I'm only getting younger. (For those just catching up, here's Birthday 2006 and Birthday 2007).

This photo was taken by Imei - who blogs at BooBoo, Ginga and the world of dogs and at Imei lounge... and just about sums up what I try to do on this blog.

OK... since the public humiliation is out of the way, I remembered that I had a tag that I never got around to doing... from way back in Feb (thanks Freespirit).

Rules of the tag are:

Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words given (family, friend, yourself, your love, anything you like). Tag 5 other friends to do this meme. Try to tag at least 2 new acquaintances (if not, your current blog buddies will do) so that you get to know them each a little bit better.

I'm going to ignore the part about tagging other people. If this post moves you, then consider yourself tagged. Actually maybe I should start a tag that people should post a silly picture of themselves on their birthday.

Family:
I try to keep my human family off the blog for security reasons - naah just kidding - I'm too lazy (and too cheap) to call them up and ask for permission individually... but I assume that the doggie family is cool with that. They know more than I do, for sure. So here's a post of the first Dog Conference arranged in Lafayette. There's some sad news, Rudy's passed away due to heart failure and Sophie has passed away due to cancer (they are No. 7 and No. 8 on that blog post).

Friend:
Here I have a blog post about Lova aka Mr Lova Lova the Malagasy dwarf hippo. Don't worry, there's no weeping or crying when you read the post. It's just about a trip to Chicago to watch Russell Peters and how Lova got on TV.

Myself:
Well... you can access me through my writing and through my photos. I'm on everywhere as mosilager. Right now the photography side of my brain is more active than the 'fun' writing side of the brain so check out my best photo stuff at Lensaholic and that and everything else on mosilager@flickr.

Love:
Aaaah yes... love love love. I'll make a confession, I 've watched Love, actually about 50 times. It's a great movie. It doesn't make me any less of a man (at least that's what all the girls say to my face). Man... and I thought the public humiliation on my birthday theme ended with the silly photo. Here's my other ramblings on how to find the perfect woman, and the marriage profile that actually brought the perfect woman to me :)

Anything I like:
I do have some off-the-wall stuff that I like. I like this post about how different authors would have written Harry Potter. I also like this post about surviving the trip to meet family after getting a job for the first time. And here's what you have to know when living with two dogs. All hopes of one teaching the other good manners will fly out of the window.

Consider yourself tagged if you feel like going on a journey to discover your old posts... and have a long island iced tea on me.

Survivor: India

2008-01-20T19:47:00.000Z

After a few decades of avoiding the real world and shuttling from university to university, the dreaded combination of having graduated, having a job, and going to India with the parents unfolded recently in my life.

For those who don't know what I'm talking about, the dread is that of having every single person you meet ask you when you are going to jump into the same well that they have been pushed into... i.e. that of wedded bliss. Protestations of "but I'm married to my dog, camera, job, sports, writing (not necessarily in that order)" are brushed aside as mere frivolities with a practiced slap. In this modern era, if you don't show any interest in any of the women that are mentioned, people start to arrange meetings with boys of a suitable nature. Anything is better than the state of half-civilisation that most single guys live in.

There may be some advantages to tying el knot... but none of the ones that are mentioned seem to make any sense... for example, one popular one was that once in the 40s, 50s or 70s no girls will present themselves. Therefore one must think ahead and marry now just in case the desire hits after retirement and cannot be fulfilled. Hmmm.... 30 years of being trained to be mature, responsible, well-dressed and civilised so that one desire that you may or may not have can be fulfilled. Yeah I'm totally convinced. Another popular reason was that once you get old you will be lonely. It is of course possible... but given the sudden interest of both genders to work and have a certain standard of living, even if it comes at the expense of the spouse, there's no guarantee that marriage will result in not being lonely at age 101. So procreation is about the only reason for marriage... and that's not too good a reason given my country's projected rate of growth (1.1 billion and counting).

So... as a wise person once said, the only good reason for marriage is when you can't not. But in the meantime I can run around trying to avoid for as long as possible. So here are some statements that may work in keeping any wannabe in-laws from ever considering you as potential:

1. Hand out copies of "The God Delusion" by Dawkins. Atheism is much worse than being a jobless alcoholic mysogynist.

2. Make it very clear that you have no intention of ever stopping studying. Most in-laws don't like it if their future son-in-law starts to say things like... postdoc... another masters... money? what do I need that for?

3. Repeat the national pledge multiple times in front of them - "India is my country, all Indians are my brothers and sisters." Then ask for rakhees from the daughters.

4. Ask them to read your blog, especially the entries that mention drinks, doggie relatives, and in my case, dangerous viruses... also this post.

5. Casually mention references to when you were in the hospital for "special care." Point out where the sides of your head were shaved... for the electrodes.

6. Mention that in the future you will be based in Iraq or Afghanistan or Somalia... taking viral samples from sick people to do research on or change job descriptions as required.

If the would-be in-law/matchmaker hasn't run further than 100m from you at this point, then that's a person you could be married to...

(for all the potential in-law's out there, this post is meant to be taken deadly seriously... for everyone else it's an example of attempted humour).

Ph.D. student anthem

2007-11-02T09:18:00.001Z

(Sing to the tune of... Rock Star by Nickelback, with due apologies to the band)

I'm through with standing in line
to the parking lots I'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth
and I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
quite the way I want it to be

(tell me what you want)

I want a brand new project
with a PI who rocks
And a laboratory I can play baseball in
And a king size bench big enough
for ten plus me

(yeah,so what you need)

I'll need a, a HHMI grant that's got no limit
And a big huge office with a bedroom in it
Gonna never leave lab if
At all I can help it

(Been there done that)

I want new libraries full of old articles
And my own name in the Nobel Committee
Somewhere between Crick and
Amartya Sen is fine for me

(So how ya gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this research for a Ph.D.,
I'd even finish my manuscript to impress my committee,

[CHORUS]
'Cause we all just wanna be big postdocs
Live in our labs reading fifteen graphs
The grants come easy and the reagents come cheap
We'll all stay skinny cause we just won't sleep
And we'll hang out in the coolest labs
With the scientists who discovered Alzheimer's and SARS
Every good student's
Gonna wind up there
Every good project
will be in our lair
and well..
Hey hey I wanna be a postdoc
Hey hey I wanna be a postdoc

I wanna be great like Salk without the hassle
Order around eight techies who love to clone and dazzle
Attend a couple product seminars
So I can eat my meals for free

(I have a quesadilla... on the house)

I'm gonna dress my ass
In a nerdy fashion
Get a front door key to the BSL-4 mansion
Gonna date a lab computer that loves to
Run my simulations for me

(So how ya gonna do it?)

I'm gonna trade this research for a Ph.D.,
I'd even finish my manuscript to impress my committee,

'Cause we all just wanna be big postdocs
Live in our labs reading fifteen graphs
The grants come easy and the reagents come cheap
We'll all stay skinny cause we just won't sleep
And we'll hide out in the conference rooms
With the latest manuscripts
for today's review
We'll get you any collaborator
with that knowing smile
Everybody's got a
nobel winner on speed dial
well..
Hey hey I wanna be a postdoc

I'm gonna do the research
that disproves the naysayers
Gonna dispense my solutions
from high throughput pipeters
Get Beckman robots doing all my stuff
And the reviewers just can't get enough

'Cause we all just wanna be big postdocs
Live in our labs reading fifteen graphs
The grants come easy and the reagents come cheap
We'll all stay skinny cause we just won't sleep
And we'll hide out in the conference rooms
With the latest manuscripts
for today's review
We'll get you any collaborator
with that knowing smile
Everybody's got a
Nobel winner on speed dial
well..

Hey hey I wanna be a postdoc
Hey hey I wanna be a postdoc

Random news of the day

2007-09-13T12:22:00.000Z

Wife visits boyfriend; husband turns up with a concrete block and finds wife alone; husband in critical condition with head injuries at local hospital.

Moral of the story: make sure you aim well if all you have is a concrete block and your enemy has an automobile.

(original story here)

Birthday II

2007-08-23T09:55:00.000Z

By a happy quirk of fate, my birthdays this year are on consecutive days, 23rd and 24th. So I have a 48 hour long birthday. Of course some people get jealous when they find out that I have 2 birthdays a year and refuse to acknowledge one of them - to those people I say, "Tchaaah." Well, actually I say, "Some years I have 3 birthdays, like last year." Unfortunately, my efforts at making them feel happy about this usually fail. They should actually feel lucky, I don't absolutely insist on 2 birthday presents a year. They can be happy about once every 17 years as I only have 1 birthday then. So my jealous friends, be patient, your time will come.

So anyway there's a tradition on this blog (started by Lova aka the Malagasy dwarf hippo and GingaBoo) that visitors should wish me happy birthday in the language of their choice as a comment on this post. So please, feel free to click here and add some more colourful language to the mix. So far we have English, Doggish, French, Creole from La Reunion, Malagasy, Filipino, Malay, Tamil, Malayalam, German, Hindi, Italian, Portuguese, Marathi, Mallu-Warrier, !hosa.

There's another tradition on the blog for my birthday, which is that I should allow everyone to laugh their heads off at me. Last year I posted a suitable picture for the purpose, and, well, will do the same thing this year too. The first photo is from about 1996, after I got a haircut:

This second picture is from 1998 after a further reduction:

Go ahead, laugh away. But remember, I still have the hair for juju (black magic) purposes so don't laugh too hard.

Update - here's the cake my lovely friends made for me... somehow I think that they have the upper hand even though it was my birthday:

A bird in hand...

2007-08-20T22:10:00.000Z

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
How would this translate into various ideologies?

Bushism – God spoke to me and told me that the three birds constitute an axis of evil. We want the birds dead or alive. Yes I know the CIA trained the birds.

Blairism – Same as Bushism, just on a different continent and with a posh-er accent.

Musharraf-ism – Hey, Bush, pay me a few million and I'll get the birds for you. If you don't I'll give the birds nukes. Hey, birds, give up one of your own to me and I'll pay you to make more birds.

Osama-ism – India, America and Israel have a soft spot for the birds. We'll infiltrate a trained bird of our own to blow itself and the other birds up. This will contribute to the greater glory of me... err I mean God.

Capitalism – The bird in the hand should do double the work for half the money or we'll outsource the job to the birds in the bush.

Communism – Cut up the bird in hand and distribute its parts to the birds in the bush.

Non-aligned movement-ism – We protest the overworking of the bird and the cutting up of the bird. Now treat us like we are important. No, we don't have any solutions.

Greenpeace-ism – The bird's poop should be protected. Do not remove it.

Science prof-ism – how is the bird in hand different from the birds in the bush? i want 200,000 for 2 years, 1 postdoc and a graduate student to work on this most important problem. The answers will solve HIV, cancer, and get us to Mars (but maybe not in my lifetime).

Ph.D. student-ism – How can I leverage this situation to help me graduate sometime before the decade ends and/or get free pizza/beer?

Philosopher – Just what is a bird anyway? Is it an extension of man's desire to fly?

Freudism – The stories you heard about the birds and the bees has probably caused this interest in birds. This explains your depression right now.

Religious person – God wanted the bird to come to you. Thank Him for this precious gift and He, if he wants, will gift you the other two birds.

Atheism – The bird was attracted by the scent of your breakfast on your hand. The birds in the bush have better survival instincts.

(OK, this post was subconsciously affected by the brilliant article – You have two cows. Here's a link to another post that was inspired by the two cows.)

Facebook site down...

2007-07-31T17:54:00.001Z

... and the world experiences a 6% increase in economic output...

imagine if blogger went down... all of the world's problems would be solved. We'd stop bitching about them on blogs and actually do something about it...

If the Harry Potter series was written by...

2007-07-22T21:34:00.001Z

Tom Clancy -
Harry Ryan would be fighting the reconstituted Soviet Union led by Voldermovich. Apparently after Voldermorovich's (also known as you-know-who because nobody can pronounce the name) spies assassinate the entire US leadership with a nuke, Harry Ryan becomes President with the lowest approval rating since W. He finds out through some super-duper satellite technology that you-know-who has taken charge of a nuclear sub and is streaming towards the US. Ron's friend Harry is on a US submarine where he uses Fred and George's extendable ears to eavesdrop on you-know-who's submarine and finds out that you-know-who actually wants to defect to the US and in fact Severe Snapovich is the one who ordered the attack. Rest of the book focuses on bringing you-know-who to the US undetected while Severe is held back by the threat of the US navy.

Enid Blyton -
Draci Malfoy is a rich spoilt girl who attends Hoggery Towers and tries to lord it over everyone there. Her sycophants do her homework for her. Her only rival is Harriet Rivers who is honest, brave, and struggles with a horrible temper. Harriet Rivers tries to exclude Draci from fun things like midnight parties and swimming in the moat. This keeps going on for 7 books or so till it turns out that Draci is actually not that rich, and has no chance of marrying a wealthy guy because she goes to a girl's school and has no idea how to behave around men. So she has to get a job. The end.

Goscinny and Uderzo
The year is 50 B.C. All of France is taken over by Julius Volder and his minions. Well, not quite all, as there is one village surrounded by armed camps that still holds out. This is a village of wizards and witches, where the only guy without any magic (Filchix) is tied up routinely at village festivals. Harrix and Hagrix are best of friends and keep running up to Volder's friends to cause trouble with magic taught to them by their druid, Dumbledorix.

P.G. Wodehouse
Hermione gets herself engaged to Harry when she has a fight with Ron. Draco is also in love with Hermione. When Draco is not at his day job designing underwear for women, he runs the 'Malfoy Youth,' a club whose members like to parade around in khaki shorts and swastikas and talk of the coming revolution. He threatens to break Harry into 5 pieces if Harry hurts Hermione in any way. Dumbledore, Harry's faithful butler, arranges for hired hands to try to kidnap Hermione, whereupon Ron is supposed to come and save her. Unfortunately Draco gets there and beats up the hired hands, rescuing Hermione, and earning her love. Harry is in the clear but Ron is extremely unhappy. The rest of the series consists of Harry being engaged to Ginny, Parvati, Pansy etc. while his Aunt Petunia tries to set him up with McGonagall. How will he escape this mess? Why, ask Dumbledore.

Ian Fleming
Agent H works for the shadowy British secret service MI5. He travels the world fighting Voldermort's henchmen by drinking, gambling, and picking up lots of women. Even though he never calls the women the next day, they still love him when they see him 5 years later. The "Potter, Harry Potter" line never fails. He has a flirty relationship with Dumbledore's secretary Hermione. There are other agents who work for MI5, but they are expendable and die at Voldermort's hands 10 minutes after you meet them.

The Wachowski Brothers
Dumbledore says to Harry, "Take the honey flavoured Bertie Botts' beans and you wake up in your bed, take the earwax flavoured one and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." Harry obviously takes the earwax flavoured one and discovers that the world of muggles is an illusory place dreamed up by Voldermort. A prophecy exists that says that Harry is the one who will bring down Voldermort and introduce the dreaming muggles to sucky reality. Nobody asks the muggles if that is what they really want. The wizards' and witches' magic in this turns out to be gravity defying stunts and cloning. In the end Harry triumphs and tells the muggles that they must wake up and face a 13th century existance till they rebuild everything that the war destroyed.

This one is from Amrita:
Douglas Adams' version
- Harrod Beeblebrox is known as the Human who survived the demolition of Planet Hograthea. This has made a lot of galactic citizens very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
In desperate search of Harrod, is Vogonmort. It's widely known that Vogonmort's rendition of Avadra Kedavra has fatal effects on the listener. To aid Harrod if his search for muffliators is Albus Prefect who has written the Apparator's guide to the Galactical World. Harrod is accompanied in his travels by Magrid, the depressed giant, Trione, chief researcher and Von - the driver of the Hippogrif.

From Shilpa... if Orhan Pamuk wrote Harry Potter:

I will be called ,"He who must not be named"
I am extraordinary.I am aware of it.By the grace of our Exalted Wizard , I have been born to strike terror.I will live on ,immortal,in service to our great Wizard.The Headmaster,really an ordinary sort,has no inkling of the power...[read the entire post, it's hilarious].

How to find the perfect woman

2007-07-17T23:38:00.000Z

It's very simple. Observe carefully her drinking habits. If you think these habits are compatible with the remainder of your life, go for it. Several common drinking types are mentioned below:

1. The sorry, no thank you - this one does not drink alcohol, no, not even secretly when no one is watching. If you look forward to 1 year of half-bottle (beer, not wine) and the remaining years of no bottle, this is the one for you. (See also No. 5 for an important addendum).

2. The sipper - These women think drinking is a VERY BAD THING, but they have a sip every now and then. They are usually guilty of terrible alcohol abuse - you know, wasting it. It takes a man with good 'kapaasitee' to be the knight in shining armour in this case. Not only does he have to finish the whole drink (which will likely be some mix with just enough alcohol that a bloodhound can detect if he falls right in it), he has to handle the guilt trip afterwards. Probably drinking some more would help.

3. The sleeper - This type drinks just enough to get sleepy, and then dozes off. So much for the old standby of trying to get her drunk. It's much much harder to trick a girl into marriage when she refuses to wear beer goggles. It's also terribly hard to dance when the only partner you have is in dreamland on the bar table. Best to avoid unless one is strong enough to carry her around.

4. The screamer - After a couple of drinks, this one gets very loud, boisterous and uninhibited enough to share dirty jokes with the public. Drags almost everyone to the dance floor and seems to know every single person in the bar. Occasionally can be embarrassing when she points out horrible clothing on someone who just happens to be within earshot. Best avoid making romantic overtures when she is drunk - this one is just out for a good time with romance-radar turned off.

5. The sexy one - She gets very flirtatious after several drinks. All in good fun, except if a guy is around that she is actually interested in, she'll get shy. If you happen to be the object of interest, do not confuse this type of girl with No. 1. Some discreet enquiries to her normal drinking companions are usually enough to discriminate between No. 1 and No. 5. Usually escorted home by the best friend when random guys start taking the flirtation seriously. No, there's no point in trying to be the protective best friend - he never gets invited in at the end of the night and his gallant actions are forgotten by the morning.

6. The super soaker - She matches you shot for shot and beer for beer. She can hold the drink with the best of them and converse knowledgeably about the merits of single vs blended scotch. She doesn't complain about hangovers either. This one is extremely rare and a keeper - should you find a girl like this then never leave the house without her.

OK, so having killed all pretense of political correctness with this post, I should post a disclaimer saying that it was all in jest and no right thinking boy should pick a woman based solely on her skills with the bottle (although it may be better than picking solely for looks). Also don't drink too much and if your friends think you do, then get help... now. The account is not based on any person, living or dead, and is solely the product of Dr. Mosi's rather fertile imagination when sleep deprived and hungry. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is solely due to the fertile imagination of the reader.

Political correctness gone awry

2007-07-10T12:04:00.000Z

I do good things every once in a while, and it was the turn of HIV in Africa the other day when I donated blood to this cause (If anyone is interested, contact Lova). Anyway I engaged the lady taking the blood (LTB) in conversation:

LTB: donating blood, hey?
Mosi: yeah, Lova's begging email asking for volunteers finally got me in here. i live with him
(at this point everything was fine... but given that i was a bit nervous about having a big needle stuck in me, I continued on)..

... though not in the biblical sense...
...not that there's anything wrong with that...

score mosi 0; political correctness 1

No fair!

2007-06-06T01:30:00.000Z

At dinner:

Scientist 1: I'm so not used to my experiments NOT working. I can't figure out what's wrong.

Scientist 2: You gotta watch your audience before you make comments like that. 'Cos me and Sci 3 are definitely the wrong audience.

Scientist 3: I'm going to blog that.

News of India, 12 June, 2020

2007-06-03T20:57:00.000Z

National:
Recent protests by the minority 'Brahmin' community in New Delhi have highlighted the need for reform of the national reservations policy. The Brahmins want to be included in the 'Harijan' or 'Untouchable' category, alleging widespread discrimination against them (Brahmins) in education and jobs. Originally one of the most educated groups in India, today the Brahmins cannot get into the school system after passing kindergarten due to 99.99% of places being reserved for Scheduled Castes and Tribes. They cite earlier incidents such as the 'Kshatriyas' succeeding in becoming Harijans after a depurification ceremony. Since Thursday, Brahmins have blocked major highways in the country by setting up fires. Police had to resort to firing in one or two places to contain the agitators. 2 members of Brahmin community died in the firing and government has announced the sum of Rs. 25 lakhs to their families. The community has rejected the monetary compensation, saying that 'it is not enough to even buy wood for their funeral pyre.' Brahmins have called for a bandh (shutdown) of New Delhi until their demands are met.

The RSS has gone to several people's homes and disrupted their morning showers. They said that taking showers was not part of ancient Indian traditions and warned that people should only take showers once every 5 years. A spokesperson of the RSS rejected allegations introduced in a book by a former member that the group was actually funded by a British society called 'Back to the 1700s.'

International:
Pakistani President General Hadji Omar Musharraf bin Laden-Dawood al Talibani has said that Islamic science of Pakistan from Holy Quran is ten times superior to western science of India and they would soon launch a joint manned mission to Pluto with China. He thundered, "We will have a Pluto shot, even if Pakistanis have to eat grass." Upon being told that all the grass was finished to pay for the nuclear programme, he revised his statement to include 'astroturf' instead. India had thus far only sent a manned mission to Mars, therefore the Pakistani space programme is far better. He added that the people of the disputed territory of North India wanted to be Pakistani and territorial disputes should be handled by talks. He said if India persisted in denying the Kashmiris, Gujaratis, Himachalis, Uttar Pradeshians and Bengalis their right to self-determination then more jihadis would target India and he would be unable to stop them. He also added that he needs 1 trillion Chinese Yuan from India in order to stop the Talibani army stationed in Afghanistan from overrunning Pakistan and stealing the Pakistani nuclear weapons. The Talibanis would definitely target major Indian cities with the nuclear weapons. The president insisted that he was 1000% sure of Talibani nuclear threat to India because his father in law heads the Taliban.

Sports:
Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly say that they have no problems with Coach Gilchrist and Gilchrist's controversial comments to blogger Dr. Mosi about 'old geezers ruining the team with their presence' were not directed towards them. Gilchrist was in fact talking about bowlers Piyush Chawla and Sreesanth. Nevertheless, mock funerals of Gilchrist were conducted throughout the country and even in places such as Dubai and Nairobi. Sachin and Sourav promised to end their spell of ducks in several matches with the next one, due to be played against Papua New Guinea in Chennai. They said that they were very disappointed at India not qualifying for the world cup in 2022 but Zambia had proved to be too tough to beat.

Entertainment:
Rahul Bachchan, son of Abhishek and Aishwarya Bachchan, will marry Kartika Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi's daughter. Kartika said, "It was the only way to keep the country in the family. Since Amitabh is President, and my dad is Prime Minister, our family wishes to raise the next generation to serve the people of this country. We have sacrificed a lot. Our family had given India, Pakistan and Bangladesh independence single-handedly. My grandmother made history by running India from Italy. My grandfather and his brother died for India. We will continue to make sacrifices in future also. By the way, this interview was brought to you by Boeing. Make sure your next flying car is a Boeing."

Salman Khan will be in court amidst allegations that he killed a protected bird, the vulture. The miniscule Zoroastrians in the country (all 10 of them) consider the vulture holy and have sued the actor for this breach of law. Rumour has it that Khan offered them 100 billion Yuan to drop the suit but the vulture is more important for the Zoroastrian people. The entire Bollywood industry has come out in support of Khan, while Maneka Gandhi has called for the death sentence. There are only 500 birds remaining in the whole of India, and only 50 of these are vultures.

Sanjay Dutt asked for an extension from the court for the gun-owning case of 1993, in which he was convicted of possession of illegal arms. He had been sentenced to 5 years in jail, but since then has not served his term as he repeatedly argued that he is the only breadwinner in his family and the public will not let him stop working on the next 'Munnabhai,' entitled, "Munnabhai and Cleopatra," to be shot entirely in Belgium.

The end

error 404

2007-05-09T18:07:00.000Z

This happened on the Schiphol airport website:

If only it had also said, "additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request," that would have brought back some more memories of the early netscape navigator.

How to propose to a scientist

2007-05-04T12:09:00.000Z

The other day I had occasion to think about how one would go about proposing to a scientist. This is what I came up with.

Dear PZV [use initials]

I have completed part of my life cycle but feel empty due to the lack of a genome. I have interacted with many others, but my affinity towards them was low. When I interacted with you I recognised you specifically as being perfect for me. Please come through the portal and take up your residence inside my capsid. I promise to keep you safe from threats such as antibodies and complement. I can offer you the world, we can interact with multiple hosts in Asia, Africa, Europe, or anywhere there are any living things. If you love extreme sports, we can hang out in hot sulphur vents, under the Antarctic ice sheets, or deep in the ocean. If you love risk and are selfless, we can always be in lab, sacrificing our lives for the good of humanity. I don't mind where it is, as being with you completes my life cycle. Let us get together and assemble progeny.

Yours always

ABV


There are no guarantees for this working, so don't blame me if your would-be fiancee throws the ring back and runs away for dear life. Of course the sure fire way to get a scientist would be to promise funding their pet projects with grants for the rest of their lives :) Then I guarantee she will never leave.

Foreigners' guide to cricket

2007-03-24T22:01:00.000Z

"You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.

When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.

There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game."

- from Mind your language (Mr. Brown aka Trevor Bannister)

No, no, it's not that sort of guide. I wanted to write this to explain some of the movers and shakers in men's cricketing world. For those who want to start following it, play it and all the rules will make sense. Overall the sport is sort of like a frankenstein monster made up of baseball and chess.

Australia - the best, the greatest etc. over the past 15 years. The only other team that can compete with them on an even keel is Australia B. They are hated in the cricketing world for their rude comments and arrogance that's almost always backed up by performance. They only fear fear itself (aka Sachin Tendulkar and VVS Laxman of India). They've had some vulnerabilities be exposed in the past 2 months so the world cup may not be as one sided after all.

South Africa - Have all the skills necessary to be number 1. Almost always lose important matches, once famously by failing to read two numbers on a printout correctly (ok it was a tie but they got knocked out). Known as the chokers of world cricket.

Sri Lanka - Lots of talent with firepower to back it up. Strong title contenders this time. Have 2 magicians in their team - one of them with an Indian wife who was cheering for Sri Lanka during the last India-Sri Lanka match. He was also kept out of the game for a few months by an Australian umpire for no good reason. Conspiracy theorists attribute the reason to be so that an Australian player could have less competition during the time. The same umpire decided to beat up on Pakistan later, which did not go very well and caused his exit from the highest levels of the game.

West Indies - On any given day can lose or win to any other team. Inconsistency is the name of the game. Doesn't matter if it's Australia in front of them or Canada.

England - Filled the side with non-English origin cricketers. Notoriously bad travellers - they always come down with some stomach ailment and each is Shakespeare - always coming up with novel excuses for losing.

New Zealand - They always almost beat Australia, but lose to everyone else. They have a magician in their side called Shane Bond. Whenever he gets somebody out the commentators go, "Bond, Shane Bond." Also the only superfast bowler who does not throw.

Zimbabwe - They had a good side till recently. Mugabe took over the farms of most of the good people in the side and they left. The remaining players consolidated to make a team but the new captain "retired" at age 21 for getting death threats from the cricket baord.

Bangladesh - New entrants to the big leagues - young and fit. Win one match every 10 games or so, known as the "banana peel" for unexpectedly stopping some bigwigs. Endearing as one of them dropped a catch against India because he was distracted by watching such good players at close quarters (this was really early days). There was also the incident of asking the Aussie players for autographs after playing against them. Also the captain is known for attacking a ghost in a haunted hotel in England.

Pakistan - Bunch of geniuses - discovered by former players in neighbourhood games. Developed the art of "reverse-swing" which earned them the reputation of cheating until they taught everyone else how to do it. High-strung and inconsistent, they can also lose to any team on any day. Playing India brings out the best in each of them, no matter how badly they've done till then. 2006-2007 has been the worst year for them ever... it's been so bad that even Indians have started to feel sorry for them.

India - overhyped overpaid underperformers in one-day matches outside the subcontinent. Do well in one day matches at home and 5 day matches everywhere else. Face pressure from 1 billion fans every time they take the field. When they win they are treated like gods, when they lose they are treated like dirt. Media makes thousands of excuses when they lose - from regional tensions in the team to politics involving player selection. The players just say that they did not play well though they tried hard and right now they are part of a "process." Men in blue have proved to be babies in blue this world cup. Their early exit so far has led to 2 deaths by heart attacks and 1 death by suicide among fans.

Associated people (sorry, very India-centric):

Javed Miandad - ex-Pakistani player. much hated by fans of India due to his exploring the realms of the impossible to defeat India (the last-ball 6). Also watched by Indian security agencies for marrying his son to India's most wanted terrorist's daughter.

Imran Khan - ex-Pakistani player, now turned politician. Known for losing his wife to Hugh Grant's charms.

Steve Bucknor - Umpire of West Indian origin. Supposed to be neutral, yet serves as the 12th man on any side playing against India. Infamous for giving bad decisions that stopped India from winning their first test series in Australia against Australia.

Shoaib Akhtar - Pakistani fast bowler. Concentrates on throwing the ball at searing speeds at the expense of accuracy. For this usually serves as the opposing team's 12th man. Note: throwing the ball in cricket is illegal. He keeps injuring himself regularly and is in trouble for wine, women, injuries and performance-enhancing drugs.

Sanjay Manjrekar - ex-Indian cricket player turned commentator. Sounds depressed when India does well and does not have anything good to say about the team. Sounds happy when India does badly.

Sachin Tendulkar - God (recently has accepted human status)

Rahul Dravid - Practices very hard to be God. Unfortunately being God requires exceptional talent and can't be learned. He came close till he got saddled with the captaincy. Also known as the Great Wall of India.

Ravi Shastri - ex-Indian cricket player. Very popular with the ladies. Hosts the halftime 'Shaz and Waz show' featuring attractive women from the fans who turn out to watch cricket game.

Wasim Akram - ex-Pakistani cricket player. Co-host of 'Shaz and Waz show'. Also ladies' man and very popular in India. Spends most of his time in India playing golf when not commentating.

Brett Lee - Aussie fast bowler. Throws his faster balls trying to catch up in speed with Shoaib. Sings in hindi.

Irfan Pathan - Indian player. Started as fast bowler, became an all-rounder, then became a batsman, now doesn't play in team. Time for rise to fall is about 2 years. Known for cleaning up Adam Gilchrist of Australia with a reverse-swinging yorker.

Sunil Gavaskar - ex-Indian captain. His philosophy was honour above all.

Kapil Dev and Saurav Ganguly - ex-Indian captains. Philosophy was victory above all.

Mohammed Azharuddin - ex-Indian captain. Philosophy was money above all.

Why India got kicked out of world cup

2007-03-23T21:08:00.000Z

A list of excuses that the Indian team can use to explain their likely elimination from the world cup in the first round (Image from Cricinfo):

10. Pakistani players Abdul Razzaq and Saqqi played for Bangladesh instead of Pakistan. That’s why India lost to them and Pakistan lost to Ireland.

9. It’s better for cricket – ICC asked India to give minnows more experience at the highest levels eg group of 8.

8. No point in trying as Pakistan got kicked out. We’re only in the world cup to beat Pakistan.

7. Players were too tense thinking about what would happen to their houses and endorsements if they lost.

6. Players’ wives and girlfriends were missing them and wanted them back early (especially Sehwag’s).

5. Companies that sponsor the team wanted them back early to star in advertisements. All this cricket was taking away from the dates the movie directors were available.

4. Tail enders should perform with bat as well under pressure. In order to give them some pressure under match conditions top order got out cheaply.

3. Team felt very sorry for beating Bangladesh 9/10 matches and Sri Lanka 8/10 matches recently. Did not want to be blamed for death of Bangladeshi and Sri Lankan cricket due to more losses. Death of Indian cricket is OK.

2. Wanted to stay on the West Indies beaches, hang out with West Indies fans, and never go home.

1. Wanted to get citizenship of Bangladesh or Sri Lanka for tax evasion purposes.

Well in 4 years when the world comes to India it will be a different story. Captain Yuvi will take us all the way. Oh, btw The post I wanted to write is here. I really feel bad for the players, they tried their best but clearly did not have the fitness levels required for athletes in the world cup. 2 hours of good fielding and they were looking like those Kenyan marathon runners do after 50 km.

Here are a couple of enduring images from the world cup...
Bermuda's gravity and law of physics defying Dwayne Leverock (Image from cricinfo):

Australia being aggressive against Kenya (image received by email - will link to orig. source if somebody lets me know what it is. Actually Sreekumar posted it before I did):

Edit - Rajesh points out in the comments this is Aus vs. Zimbabwe in 99 and not this WC. Thanks, mate.

Everything tastes like chicken

2007-03-09T04:15:00.000Z

Yes, even grass...

(from sify)
An enterprising calf decided that since everything, including grass, tastes like chicken, she better just go to the original source.

Now would this cow be classified as a holy cow? Will the dead chickens have a better next life for being sacrificed to a holy cow? Which came first, the chicken or the cow? Maybe the farmer got confused and the baby calf was actually Ginga's lost brother. Maybe he was just trying to get into the Chick-Fil-A ad.

Le Roi Indien

2007-03-03T16:15:00.000Z

We were all happy that the French football team was made up of people whose ancestors migrated from other countries in the last couple hundred years. And now, if France decides that they want a King to compete with the English queen, here is the man for them:

(from Taipei Times)

A relative of the Bourbons left France 400 years ago, travelled around the world, and eventually made his fortune in India. The picture shows his descendent, Balthazar-Napoleon Bourbon, who is the oldest of the living Bourbons. Although he doesn't speak French, his children are learning it. (Summarised from here and here).

I think the French government has been secretly planning to break the news that they have decided to re-establish the monarchy. France cannot be seen as backward compared to the hated Roast Beef, the English. Witness the popularity of Pascale de Bollywood, Vikash Dhorasoo's inclusion in the football team for the World Cup, and Amitabh Bachchan's winning of the French Legion d'Honneur. François Gautier appears to care more about India than most Indians from his writings, so he definitely has realized the ambitions of the French government.

I can just imagine that in the future, Pascale de Bollywood would be hired to sing at Balthazar-Napoleon's coronation, and Vikash Dhorasoo will be a shoe-in for the national football team. Wait a minute... by royal order football will be scrapped in favour of cricket, some song and dance sequences will be added to movies such as Amelie, and Amitabh Bachchan will become an honorary French citizen, where he can romance 18 year old girls in real life by royal decree as well as in the movies. François Gautier will be the royal messenger. The only question that remains is, should France be incorporated as a state into the Union Territory of Pondicherry or be under the Goans?

Christans, convert back to Judaism

2007-02-27T23:06:00.000Z

Sorry Christians, the writing is now on the wall. I anticipate a massive conversion of Christians to Judaism, starting with the Pope himself. All former Christian majority countries should now consider themselves provinces of Israel.

For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, James Cameron has made a documentary about some 2000 year old stone caskets containing the remains of a family:

Mary; Matthew; Jesua son of Joseph; Mary; Jofa (Joseph, Jesus' brother); and Judah son of Jesua.

Cameron thinks that these names suggest that this was the historical Jesus who is mentioned in the Bible. Lots of people are very upset about this 'blasphemy' as it suggests that Jesus was in fact not divine. He was just a guy who wanted everybody to be nice to each other and maybe invoked the name of an imaginary superior being to bolster his case.

It's a good idea, this guy apparently lived the ideal and showed that it could be done by people. Who cares if he had a family like 100% of the other people his age in that time period and got buried? Just shows that he wasn't a complete weirdo. Hey, what next? Maybe they'll find that Jesus was Arab... probably related to Arafat or Hussein of Jordan or something. If Christians really care more about Jesus's divinity rather than what he said and did, then they have their priorities wrong.

If these do turn out to be the bones of Jesus and family then the sceptics are showing massive disrespect. Lightning will strike them down etc. Well, either way us neutral atheist/agnostic/non-Christians are in for an entertaining time. Wonder if the Bible will need a disclaimer in front of it, "This is a work of fiction..." Oh wait, it's been done already.