12 November 2008

How to be Punjabi... according to hindi films

Hindi film directors love portraying Punjabi families... probably for the same reasons as Malayalam film directors love having Tamilian characters. There's a top secret manual circulated only among hindi film directors as to how to turn your average hindi-speaking family into a Punjabi speaking one. I have found a copy of this and wanted to share it with the public at large.

1. Call anyone younger than you "puttar." (Note from Ramanand Sagar: To depict a Sanskrit speaking family, this can be changed to "Putra".)

2. Increase the volume when a turbaned, bearded uncle is speaking. Have said uncle raise his arms up as if to hug the whole world.

3. Have a kid yell "unkkal-jeee" as uncle is shouting to him.

4. Have an aunty make as if to grab the ears off the heroine and say something like "kinnee sohni kudi hai." The important thing is the word 'sohni'.

5. There must be an aunty who flirts with the hero. When he coos back to her she blushes and turns her head, saying something like "haaaai, mainu maar jaavaan..." or something of the sort.

6. One wideangle shot taking in a huge field of wheat... yellow everywhere with blue skies... lots of saturated colours.

7. All hindi has to be Punjabi accented. "Oye... tooney mainu kudi ko kahaan bhagaayaa?"

8. Adding "Oye" to the beginning of any sentence makes it Punjabi.

9. One shot of uncle waxing eloquent about the good old days in 'Pindi or Lahore.

10. To distract from heroes who are choreographically challenged, have them shout "Ho" and "Balle Balle."

11. Bonus: How come Salman Khan is always present in these kinds of movies?

Update from my wife:

Some Hindi movies play host to the following character too..
World hugging uncle who stiffly breaks out into song and dance routine to the shock of family members...
Old ,on-her-deathbed 'Maaa' who always has logical solutions to the most mundane problems.and of course the best 'achaar'recipes.
Pesky 'chutki' sister who insists on being lifted up at all inopportune moments..read when the hero is about to declare his undying love going down on scraped knee!