22 July 2007

If the Harry Potter series was written by...

Tom Clancy -
Harry Ryan would be fighting the reconstituted Soviet Union led by Voldermovich. Apparently after Voldermorovich's (also known as you-know-who because nobody can pronounce the name) spies assassinate the entire US leadership with a nuke, Harry Ryan becomes President with the lowest approval rating since W. He finds out through some super-duper satellite technology that you-know-who has taken charge of a nuclear sub and is streaming towards the US. Ron's friend Harry is on a US submarine where he uses Fred and George's extendable ears to eavesdrop on you-know-who's submarine and finds out that you-know-who actually wants to defect to the US and in fact Severe Snapovich is the one who ordered the attack. Rest of the book focuses on bringing you-know-who to the US undetected while Severe is held back by the threat of the US navy.

Enid Blyton -
Draci Malfoy is a rich spoilt girl who attends Hoggery Towers and tries to lord it over everyone there. Her sycophants do her homework for her. Her only rival is Harriet Rivers who is honest, brave, and struggles with a horrible temper. Harriet Rivers tries to exclude Draci from fun things like midnight parties and swimming in the moat. This keeps going on for 7 books or so till it turns out that Draci is actually not that rich, and has no chance of marrying a wealthy guy because she goes to a girl's school and has no idea how to behave around men. So she has to get a job. The end.

Goscinny and Uderzo
The year is 50 B.C. All of France is taken over by Julius Volder and his minions. Well, not quite all, as there is one village surrounded by armed camps that still holds out. This is a village of wizards and witches, where the only guy without any magic (Filchix) is tied up routinely at village festivals. Harrix and Hagrix are best of friends and keep running up to Volder's friends to cause trouble with magic taught to them by their druid, Dumbledorix.

P.G. Wodehouse
Hermione gets herself engaged to Harry when she has a fight with Ron. Draco is also in love with Hermione. When Draco is not at his day job designing underwear for women, he runs the 'Malfoy Youth,' a club whose members like to parade around in khaki shorts and swastikas and talk of the coming revolution. He threatens to break Harry into 5 pieces if Harry hurts Hermione in any way. Dumbledore, Harry's faithful butler, arranges for hired hands to try to kidnap Hermione, whereupon Ron is supposed to come and save her. Unfortunately Draco gets there and beats up the hired hands, rescuing Hermione, and earning her love. Harry is in the clear but Ron is extremely unhappy. The rest of the series consists of Harry being engaged to Ginny, Parvati, Pansy etc. while his Aunt Petunia tries to set him up with McGonagall. How will he escape this mess? Why, ask Dumbledore.

Ian Fleming
Agent H works for the shadowy British secret service MI5. He travels the world fighting Voldermort's henchmen by drinking, gambling, and picking up lots of women. Even though he never calls the women the next day, they still love him when they see him 5 years later. The "Potter, Harry Potter" line never fails. He has a flirty relationship with Dumbledore's secretary Hermione. There are other agents who work for MI5, but they are expendable and die at Voldermort's hands 10 minutes after you meet them.

The Wachowski Brothers
Dumbledore says to Harry, "Take the honey flavoured Bertie Botts' beans and you wake up in your bed, take the earwax flavoured one and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." Harry obviously takes the earwax flavoured one and discovers that the world of muggles is an illusory place dreamed up by Voldermort. A prophecy exists that says that Harry is the one who will bring down Voldermort and introduce the dreaming muggles to sucky reality. Nobody asks the muggles if that is what they really want. The wizards' and witches' magic in this turns out to be gravity defying stunts and cloning. In the end Harry triumphs and tells the muggles that they must wake up and face a 13th century existance till they rebuild everything that the war destroyed.

This one is from Amrita:
Douglas Adams' version
- Harrod Beeblebrox is known as the Human who survived the demolition of Planet Hograthea. This has made a lot of galactic citizens very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
In desperate search of Harrod, is Vogonmort. It's widely known that Vogonmort's rendition of Avadra Kedavra has fatal effects on the listener. To aid Harrod if his search for muffliators is Albus Prefect who has written the Apparator's guide to the Galactical World. Harrod is accompanied in his travels by Magrid, the depressed giant, Trione, chief researcher and Von - the driver of the Hippogrif.

From Shilpa... if Orhan Pamuk wrote Harry Potter:

I will be called ,"He who must not be named"
I am extraordinary.I am aware of it.By the grace of our Exalted Wizard , I have been born to strike terror.I will live on ,immortal,in service to our great Wizard.The Headmaster,really an ordinary sort,has no inkling of the power...[read the entire post, it's hilarious].

31 comments:

Ned Hughes said...

Oh man, this is really funny. I'm certainly enjoying these last few waves of Pottermania.

Amrita said...

LOL! Your mind is a curious place Mosi...

Douglas Adams' version
- Harrod Beeblebrox is known as the Human who survived the demolition of Planet Hograthea. This has made a lot of galactic citizens very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
In desperate search of Harrod, is Vogonmort. It's widely known that Vogonmort's rendition of Avadra Kedavra has fatal effects on the listener. To aid Harrod if his search for muffliators is Albus Prefect who has written the Apparator's guide to the Galactical World. Harrod is accompanied in his travels by Magrid, the depressed giant, Trione, chief researcher and Von - the driver of the Hippogrif.

Someone should attempt a Rushdie

Twisted DNA said...

Absolutely brilliant!! 'nuff said!

AuthorMomWith Dogs said...

First, I have to catch my breath! LOL! I'm with Amrita -- your mind is something else! Thanks so much for pointing me to this, Ranjit. Adding this blog to my reader.

Mosilager said...

ned - thanks... the mania continues... now I can tease everyone who hasn't read it yet with the ending.

amrita - good one! Can't imagine how I left out one of my favourite authors... actually I have a draft post sitting around with Douglas Adams on it. Hey... takes a curious minded person to recognise another one! btw I'm pasting your comment into the main post.

TD - merci! high praise indeed, coming from the jack of humour (Melvin's the King, but only because he's been doing it longer and I figured you didn't want to be known as the queen).

Karen - Thanks a lot... I've been posting pics off the new camera for a while here so had to get a 'real' post in before I lost all my audience.

Mosilager said...

amrita No chance of somehow including Eccentrica Gallumbits into the narrative, is there?

Amrita said...

Thanks Mosi!! this is a high honor to be quoted on your blog :)

By all means - please tweak Doug's rendition to include Gallumbits as well.

lova said...

This has definitely gained must-read-lots-of-fun status in my book :). And I did not even I read one line from the Harry Potter series ( OK, maybe one line)

Rohini said...

Hilarious!

I tried hard to come up with something to add but it's 11 p.m. and I am waiting for a flight that's been delayed by three hours and all I can feel is RAGE at the stupid airline.

Rohini said...

Check this out

Mosilager said...

amrita - no i'm waiting for you to add to it ha ha

lova - mucho merci

rohini - i'll be watching this space for your suggestion... thanks for the link, that's really funny.

Siddhu said...

Man, this is a f***in classic! Awesome!!!

bhags said...

That was hilarious....u really have your way with the authors

freespirit said...

Mos, are u dreaming these things up in the lab when you are supposed to be fighting viruses??? U r insane...but then i've told u that already :-)

Mosilager said...

well an idea comes to me, i google it to make sure nobody else has written it already, and then i write it - usually takes about half an hour and usually on friday evenings or sunday mornings.

generally the viruses don't care if I give them a break for a couple of hours a week ;) they're actually thankful i'm not killing them by the bucketloads.

Hey.. I was expecting a mills and boon remake of harry potter from you...

abhishek mehrotra said...

Can we have one from Ayn Rand ? Please please ......

Mosilager said...

hi abhishek - i read one of her books about 15 years ago - something about an architect called howard roark - that's all I remember from it so I must profess my ignorance.

Asterix said...

Just what I needed in the morning :)

Tweety said...

Amazing... Especially liked the Douglas Adams and Enid Blyton one !

Neha said...

hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!! wait you've actually read some of these writers!? :D

Gounder Brownie said...

*Salutes*

Mosilager said...

asterix - thanks

tweety - i'll let amrita know... and yes i like the enid blyton one as well

neha - fruits of a misspent youth. while others were socialising and playing football and cricket I was reading.

gounder brownie - thanks !

Munimma said...

That was ingenious! Captured the essence quite well, especially liked PGW!

btw, saw the other blogspot title - sadhanam kayil undo (can't read it though), reminded me of one of the greatest mallu movies ever made!

Krish Ashok said...

Hilarious. Blogrolled :) Found you through Goyal's post on interesting potter posts from the blogosphere. Mine is the last one there.

Mosilager said...

munimma - thanks. the saadhanamkayyilundo blog is basically for me to learn to read / write malayalam. I haven't written in there in a while, have to come up with something. That whole series - nadodikaattu, pattanapravesham and akkare akkare akkare was genius.

krish ashok - hey, thanks, will check out your post soon.

Itchingtowrite said...

ha ha...that was neat!! cud really imagine each author's point of view- enid blyton, wodehouse, asterix....- so typical...

Mosilager said...

itchingtowrite thank you very much.

Cirrus Spray said...

Rofl...brilliant! Esp the thought of Eulalie :D

sipakv said...

very funny ! I especially like the Enid Blyton one.

Mosilager said...

Cirrus spray and spikav - thanks

generic cialis said...

Hello, I do not agree with the previous commentator - not so simple