17 July 2007

How to find the perfect woman

It's very simple. Observe carefully her drinking habits. If you think these habits are compatible with the remainder of your life, go for it. Several common drinking types are mentioned below:

1. The sorry, no thank you - this one does not drink alcohol, no, not even secretly when no one is watching. If you look forward to 1 year of half-bottle (beer, not wine) and the remaining years of no bottle, this is the one for you. (See also No. 5 for an important addendum).

2. The sipper - These women think drinking is a VERY BAD THING, but they have a sip every now and then. They are usually guilty of terrible alcohol abuse - you know, wasting it. It takes a man with good 'kapaasitee' to be the knight in shining armour in this case. Not only does he have to finish the whole drink (which will likely be some mix with just enough alcohol that a bloodhound can detect if he falls right in it), he has to handle the guilt trip afterwards. Probably drinking some more would help.

3. The sleeper - This type drinks just enough to get sleepy, and then dozes off. So much for the old standby of trying to get her drunk. It's much much harder to trick a girl into marriage when she refuses to wear beer goggles. It's also terribly hard to dance when the only partner you have is in dreamland on the bar table. Best to avoid unless one is strong enough to carry her around.

4. The screamer - After a couple of drinks, this one gets very loud, boisterous and uninhibited enough to share dirty jokes with the public. Drags almost everyone to the dance floor and seems to know every single person in the bar. Occasionally can be embarrassing when she points out horrible clothing on someone who just happens to be within earshot. Best avoid making romantic overtures when she is drunk - this one is just out for a good time with romance-radar turned off.

5. The sexy one - She gets very flirtatious after several drinks. All in good fun, except if a guy is around that she is actually interested in, she'll get shy. If you happen to be the object of interest, do not confuse this type of girl with No. 1. Some discreet enquiries to her normal drinking companions are usually enough to discriminate between No. 1 and No. 5. Usually escorted home by the best friend when random guys start taking the flirtation seriously. No, there's no point in trying to be the protective best friend - he never gets invited in at the end of the night and his gallant actions are forgotten by the morning.

6. The super soaker - She matches you shot for shot and beer for beer. She can hold the drink with the best of them and converse knowledgeably about the merits of single vs blended scotch. She doesn't complain about hangovers either. This one is extremely rare and a keeper - should you find a girl like this then never leave the house without her.

OK, so having killed all pretense of political correctness with this post, I should post a disclaimer saying that it was all in jest and no right thinking boy should pick a woman based solely on her skills with the bottle (although it may be better than picking solely for looks). Also don't drink too much and if your friends think you do, then get help... now. The account is not based on any person, living or dead, and is solely the product of Dr. Mosi's rather fertile imagination when sleep deprived and hungry. Any resemblance to any person, living or dead, is solely due to the fertile imagination of the reader.


Amrita said...

LOL...Did you come up with all that by yourself? I must say your fertile imagination is a little judgemental. (all in jest of course)

Good read though ;) Cheers to the #6 types...

Mosilager said...

Yup it's all mine. I was trying not to be judgemental actually - if you notice I did not ascribe any qualitative properties to any of the types, I kept insisting that the men have to be compatible with each type, otherwise Dr Mosi suggests problems in relationship.

Glad you liked it :)

Anali said...

LOL! That is hilarious and being the lawyer type, the disclaimer really topped it off!!

And you didn't list my drinking type! But I'm very impressed that you made this up all on your own. ; )

Visitor said...

Ranjit - Have a look at this - Did You Marry Your Mother-In-Law?

Twisted DNA said...

LOL. Now we know what is!

You call this not-so-politically-correct? May be I should start putting HUGE disclaimers on my site :)

I respectfully disagree with you in who a keeper is. I think type #1 is a keeper for the following reasons:
1. Your expensive French wine stays put in the bottle
2. You always have a designated driver:)

(Believe me, I am married to one)

Mosilager said...

anali - so what is your drinking type? maybe i should put it in

visitor - i hold similar views to that article, just never put them down on paper, thanks for the link.

TD - finally, a funny post that you liked, that made my day. well women have this habit of interpreting things I say the worst way possible, so thought I would put big disclaimers on. The question is, did you prefer #1 before marriage also?

Anali said...

Sadly, I have a very low tolerance. One I'm buzzed. Two drinks is the most I can handle usually and I don't drink beer, but I love wine and Southern Comfort!

I'll have two drinks, if I'm home, therefore not driving, or with people I know will take care of me and make sure I get home or wherever safely. And I tend not to drink if I'm in a bad mood. It's not a good thing! ; )

Your analysis Doctor?

Pri said...

heeeeeee varry good observation.
im a combination of 2 of these. im not telling which two.

Mosilager said...

you're a keeper anali, one who drinks sensibly.

pri - hey, don't leave us in suspense, spill the beans.