03 June 2007

News of India, 12 June, 2020

National:
Recent protests by the minority 'Brahmin' community in New Delhi have highlighted the need for reform of the national reservations policy. The Brahmins want to be included in the 'Harijan' or 'Untouchable' category, alleging widespread discrimination against them (Brahmins) in education and jobs. Originally one of the most educated groups in India, today the Brahmins cannot get into the school system after passing kindergarten due to 99.99% of places being reserved for Scheduled Castes and Tribes. They cite earlier incidents such as the 'Kshatriyas' succeeding in becoming Harijans after a depurification ceremony. Since Thursday, Brahmins have blocked major highways in the country by setting up fires. Police had to resort to firing in one or two places to contain the agitators. 2 members of Brahmin community died in the firing and government has announced the sum of Rs. 25 lakhs to their families. The community has rejected the monetary compensation, saying that 'it is not enough to even buy wood for their funeral pyre.' Brahmins have called for a bandh (shutdown) of New Delhi until their demands are met.

The RSS has gone to several people's homes and disrupted their morning showers. They said that taking showers was not part of ancient Indian traditions and warned that people should only take showers once every 5 years. A spokesperson of the RSS rejected allegations introduced in a book by a former member that the group was actually funded by a British society called 'Back to the 1700s.'

International:
Pakistani President General Hadji Omar Musharraf bin Laden-Dawood al Talibani has said that Islamic science of Pakistan from Holy Quran is ten times superior to western science of India and they would soon launch a joint manned mission to Pluto with China. He thundered, "We will have a Pluto shot, even if Pakistanis have to eat grass." Upon being told that all the grass was finished to pay for the nuclear programme, he revised his statement to include 'astroturf' instead. India had thus far only sent a manned mission to Mars, therefore the Pakistani space programme is far better. He added that the people of the disputed territory of North India wanted to be Pakistani and territorial disputes should be handled by talks. He said if India persisted in denying the Kashmiris, Gujaratis, Himachalis, Uttar Pradeshians and Bengalis their right to self-determination then more jihadis would target India and he would be unable to stop them. He also added that he needs 1 trillion Chinese Yuan from India in order to stop the Talibani army stationed in Afghanistan from overrunning Pakistan and stealing the Pakistani nuclear weapons. The Talibanis would definitely target major Indian cities with the nuclear weapons. The president insisted that he was 1000% sure of Talibani nuclear threat to India because his father in law heads the Taliban.

Sports:
Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly say that they have no problems with Coach Gilchrist and Gilchrist's controversial comments to blogger Dr. Mosi about 'old geezers ruining the team with their presence' were not directed towards them. Gilchrist was in fact talking about bowlers Piyush Chawla and Sreesanth. Nevertheless, mock funerals of Gilchrist were conducted throughout the country and even in places such as Dubai and Nairobi. Sachin and Sourav promised to end their spell of ducks in several matches with the next one, due to be played against Papua New Guinea in Chennai. They said that they were very disappointed at India not qualifying for the world cup in 2022 but Zambia had proved to be too tough to beat.

Entertainment:
Rahul Bachchan, son of Abhishek and Aishwarya Bachchan, will marry Kartika Gandhi, Rahul Gandhi's daughter. Kartika said, "It was the only way to keep the country in the family. Since Amitabh is President, and my dad is Prime Minister, our family wishes to raise the next generation to serve the people of this country. We have sacrificed a lot. Our family had given India, Pakistan and Bangladesh independence single-handedly. My grandmother made history by running India from Italy. My grandfather and his brother died for India. We will continue to make sacrifices in future also. By the way, this interview was brought to you by Boeing. Make sure your next flying car is a Boeing."

Salman Khan will be in court amidst allegations that he killed a protected bird, the vulture. The miniscule Zoroastrians in the country (all 10 of them) consider the vulture holy and have sued the actor for this breach of law. Rumour has it that Khan offered them 100 billion Yuan to drop the suit but the vulture is more important for the Zoroastrian people. The entire Bollywood industry has come out in support of Khan, while Maneka Gandhi has called for the death sentence. There are only 500 birds remaining in the whole of India, and only 50 of these are vultures.

Sanjay Dutt asked for an extension from the court for the gun-owning case of 1993, in which he was convicted of possession of illegal arms. He had been sentenced to 5 years in jail, but since then has not served his term as he repeatedly argued that he is the only breadwinner in his family and the public will not let him stop working on the next 'Munnabhai,' entitled, "Munnabhai and Cleopatra," to be shot entirely in Belgium.

The end

10 comments:

Amrita said...

:-) Another good post from the Doctor himself. S-Specially loved your take on the Bacchans, cricket and reservation.

I shudder to think that my kids would have to be de-purified to study in India one day!!

Even though your post was funny...it made me really anxious about our future....where a 2 month old baby can now legally own a gun.

Siddhu said...

If this wasn't such a probable future, it would be funny. :(

Mosilager said...

hi guys... took out the gun bits, thanks for your critiques. hopefully now it's a bit more funny - but you're right sid i think that's where it's headed unless we change to an economically based reservations system rather than caste based.

PudmaRaja said...

Elo, i vould like to usk vhat u do for a living? And are u bachielur? I vant to shaahhhhhdiiii you!

Mosilager said...

allo pudmaraja,
i professional dog walker and groomer. also part time goonda for purpose of enforcing bandh and ballot box stuffing. i still considered bachelor in about 5 states, widower in 1 state, non-living in 2 states (for tax purposes). vich state you reside? please post latest CV, and make sure to inglood dowry amount (not to be forgetting non-refundable deposit of Rs. 1.5 lakhs only). thaaang youuuuuu.

freespirit said...

u never fail to amaze me! The doctory has done wonders for your creative juices. And i still hope you will change the header on the blog!

I think I will homeschool the kids when i have them.

Siddhu said...

Ranjit, the way things are going right now, I wonder if we'll still be one country after Sonia Gandhi is finished with us.

After hte gujjar thing, I'm pretty convinced the UPA government is a conspiracy by whoever-it-is to destroy our homeland. :P

Mosilager said...

freespirit yes trying to come up with another header... laziness you see.

Sid Our countrymen and women seem to be more interested in killing each other over what somebody wrote down a few thousand years ago than in achieving progress. I think the only thing that can get Indians together is if somebody orders the entire country to be atheist / non-religious. In India, the right to practice religion trumps free speech, law enforcement, education, healthcare and anything else necessary for progress.

Rajesh said...

puthiya template adipoli keto. Pinney ee post vaayichu. Kollam. Taan oru pustakamo vella novelo ezhudaan tudangikyo [;)]

Mosilager said...

Sid, read the last comment as "In India, the right to treat religion as a holy cow trumps free speech, law enforcement, education, healthcare and anything else necessary for progress."

rajesh nanni rajesh bhai, already oru pusthakam ezhuthi kazhinhu, "thesis" ennu ariyapedum... iniyum kore naal kazhinju ezhuthaam.