02 March 2006

Explaining India to Bush

Since George Bush is in India, I decided to write a survival guide for him so that he comes out in one piece.

1. Learn to appreciate 5-day cricket. It'll help during those long Texas vacations on the ranch.
2. Be nice to the cows. Cows are for cuddling, not cooking.
3. 'Nukular' is an acceptable way of saying 'Nuclear'... but only in Bihar.
4. Yes, we have beggars. They're very good at their jobs. They're unionised, don't pay tax, and have a higher standard of living than most other Indians.
5. Our steering wheels are on the right side of the car, which enables us to use our left hands to honk the horn constantly. It is considered bad manners not to warn oncoming traffic and livestock of your impending visit. Even the airplanes start honking when they enter India.
6. The communists did call a strike in Kerala protesting against the American Iraq policy, however the real reason is that we have a guy from Kerala debuting in the Indian cricket team and everyone in the state wanted to watch him on TV.
7. Any price you are quoted for anything, divide by 100. Then divide that by 4 and quote that number back. Upon hearing that the shopkeeper cannot feed his children if he gives it to you at that price, multiply by 2 and walk out if he doesn't agree. He'll give it to you and make a nice little profit. On the other hand, it's only 50 cents.
8. If you are not speaking to someone else on a mobile phone, you don't exist. Even the beggars set up appointments using mobile phones.
9. If someone should offer their son in marriage to your daughter, don't reject them out of hand. Tell them you'll offer the White House as dowry. Then leave quickly before the deal is sealed.
10. Tell your security staff to not worry about the bugs. They're everywhere. Get the maids to sweep them away. RAW will provide appropriate staff.
11. India and Pakistan are the best of friends. We're just pretending to have bad relations to get money and equipment and nukes from the West/China.
12. The bigger the vehicle, the greater its right of way on the road. Also, the louder the horn, the greater the right of way. The formula to calculate right of way is vehicle area^(horn decibel*hooting frequency).
13. India is the opposite of the USA. We have 3 times your population living on 1/3rd the land area. How about a land swap? You guys move to India and keep all the cows. We move to the USA and keep all the roads.
14. The bumps you feel when riding on the road are absolutely normal. No, there was no earthquake recently in Delhi.
15. Don't get worried if every bus you see says TA TA. We are not abrogating your visit, TATA's just the GM+Ford+Morton's of India.
16. Cultivate an Indian accent and call yourself Dubey. Answer the phone calls at your embassy.
17. The Kashmir problem will be solved overnight. Ask Musharraf to take Bihar as well. He will immediately refuse, upon which we keep both.
18. With bird flu taking over the world, the new terrorist threat is a brown person with chickens. Avoid these at all costs. Alternatively, bring Dick Cheney along. Even if he doesn't get the birds, he'll definitely get his man.

11 comments:

Mansoora said...

Hilarious!!!!!!!! You gotta send this out to people.. Very nice!!!!!

Mosilager said...

Thanks! If you think of any more, let me know :) You could be the special correspondent from Pakistan

Supremus said...

Awesome buddy!!

These were hilarious. I wish Mr. Bush reads this - how about gifting Bihar to Bush? LOL

Suyog

GSL said...

good stuff!!! thinking about the many quirks that make India this awesome place that it is, I came up with this one - where else would you find a Muslim President, a Sikh PM, a Christian leader of the ruling party and a Hindu leader of the opposition.

Mosilager said...

Thanks Suyog and gsl... i'll use your suggestion gsl and try to incorporate it soon.

Mayuri said...

Great post, that one!! I have one problem though. Why trade any state of India? And why Bihar? Agreed... crime, corruption and poverty..that state is stricken with all that, but hey...its still a part of our country and we really don't want to trade it. Not to mention that Bihar is the richest source of minerals with any other country and has a long history of being the kingmaker state!! Here's hoping that Nitish Kumar can undo what Laloo did, and that more and more people accept that Bihar is a part of our country, just like Maharshtra or Kerala...'nukular' or not.

Foolish said...

this is cool! Awesome. I enjoyed it.

lova said...

fun stuff all around ! Even if some of the state reference are lost on me, I can still relate to the situation. I actually "blogged" a whole post about it.
http://rakotomalala.blogspot.com/2006/03/my-roomate-is-muching-on-thc-weedcake.html

Mosilager said...

Thanks a lot Lova! A whole post on the blog. The address you posted doesn't quite work though. If you change the title of the post, blogger gives it a new address. Click here to get to Lova's post.

Mosilager said...

lova! you changed the address again! Click here to get to the real (current one).

Anonymous said...

Thanks,M, this is really funny. My favorite part was the planes honking. I can picture it perfectly.